I am not sure if it's just that Claire is getting better, or I am finding resources that have been helping me out alot. Probably a combination of both. Parenting was more difficult when she was 2, than now that she is 3. She started exhibiting normal 3 yr old behavior, "I do it myself!" before she turned 3. So now that she is 3, I think things are going well, most days :). Here are a few of the things that are helping me.
71 toes parenting blog- I really enjoy reading this blog, but this post in particular gives alot of helpful information.
-when kids push the limits- distract them with other good activities - When Claire seems to be going back and forth between doing things that I ask her not to do, I realize that she just needs help coming up with good activities
-Count to 10- (inside your head)- to help you as a parent calm down. She has also said in a previous post that counting helps her to remember just how precious these son(s) and daughter(s) of God truly are.
- 123 Magic- good at helping stop behavior and start new behavior too! Claire still sometimes doesn't care at all when we start counting but she knows that just means timeout. (I have been trying to use more love and logic approaches to help her to want to listen- I don't think one parenting approach is enough- especially since every kid is different, different approaches work in certain situations with one kid but another approach may work better in other situations or with other kids)
Love and Logic Parenting emails You can sign up for their emails in the upper right hand corner. Two of my favorite emails:
- Sad vs. Mad- "Angry, wrathful responses send messages that the problem is ours. These reactions put the focus on us (and how upset or mean we are) instead of keeping the focus on the child's unfortunate choice.
When we are sad for kids rather than mad at them, see how the message changes:
Instead of kids thinking "Upset adults are pretty scary" or "Upset adults are pretty entertaining," might they conclude, "When they are sad for me, it is because I have a problem."
- Power of Positive Examples-"The power of positive feelings is immense! When our kids experience love and joy coupled with chores…they associate doing chores with positive feelings.
When they experience warmth and affection coupled with learning…they come to associate academics with positive feelings.
When they feel our joy as we parent or educate them, they’re far more likely to live a life filled with excitement and motivation instead of apprehension and apathy.
Sometimes I get shortsighted. Sometimes I forget all of this. Sometimes I allow myself to get cross and short and impatient, thinking that somehow my negativity will inspire my kids to cheerfully learn and complete their daily duties. I forget all of this when I don’t take good care of myself.
...Kids don't remember all of the things we try to teach them, but they will always remember how they felt when they were around us. Take great care of yourself so that you can give them the gift of loving learning, loving responsibility, and loving themselves."
ensign article - I love all the different ideas they have for teaching scriptures stories and gospel topics to kids
Any ways, I may update this post with other sites or quotes I find helpful down the road. If you have a favorite parenting site, quote, or tactic please share!
Update:
"But if we change our mindset we will realize that the whole concept of Motherhood IS holy. Holiness can be found in things as small as preparing a family dinner, things as mundane as continual loads of laundry waiting endlessly to be done, and in things as simple as a two-minute discussion with a child on the way to soccer practice. Holiness can be found in all that we do as mothers as we let the Savior into our lives.
The part of the session that hit me the most was this:
In preparation before the retreat Jen contacted a few other mothers who were coming and asked them to choose one thing that they could do to generate more holiness in their mothering and put it into practice. They were to report on their findings at the retreat. When things got tough she suggested that they ask themselves, “How would a holy woman handle this?”
One mother chose getting her children out the door in the morning with a spirit of calmness. One chose to express her love as she buckled four kids into their car seats in the car. (I loved her report as she talked about how she took time, even just the one or two seconds it took to buckle each of them in, to look in each one of their eyes and tell them that she loved them.) Another mother chose to create more holiness at bedtime. The result of just keeping a focus on holiness during those stressful times was sweet and clear: each mother discovered that "holiness in motherhood" is not only about reading the scriptures and having family prayer. It is about time and focus and slowing down and patience and all the other good things that come along with the details of Motherhood."
Update 2:
FOR YOUNGER CHILDREN
Realize that the problem-solving skills of younger kids are less evolved; they often have problems with impulsivity and frustration control. If going to bed is frustrating for them, it’s likely that their behavior is going to escalate into an unpleasant situation. So the first rule is, don’t make bedtime unpleasant. Make no mistake, I’m not saying make it pleasant by talking sweet or bribing them. I’m saying don’t make it unpleasant by looking for an argument. Don’t make it into a self-fulfilling prophecy and expect them to fight with you because that’s what they’ve done in the past.
Update 2:
Patricia Holland
Great talk!
Teaching Good vs Bad Choices-
(I am using her idea to turn a smile face upside down, when Claire goes to timeout and then when timeout is done, we talk about when why it was sad- because she made a bad choice. When I first put up the smiley on the fridge, she would say. I am sad- and turn it around. But I taught her that it only goes to sad when we make bad choices.. other wise it stays happy. But for a second I thought there goes another great parenting idea. Since then she seems to remember her bad choices alot better and even tells dad about them when he gets home. It is a huge improvement from going to timeout several times a day with no thought of doing something bad.
That makes me realize that timeouts have been more effective- because she needs to tell me what she did wrong and and she can do better next time. If she is playing around in timeout and not staying on the stairs, then when the buzzer (from ikea) rings and if she doesn't have a good answer then sometimes I make her go back to timeout to think about it some more (or I realize needs more help to understand how she can do better next time). If she is send to timeout again then she realizes I better stay in timeout and think about it - instead of running around)- I have also been more lenient and don't employ the Supper Nanny timeout rules. If she gets of timeout and out of my hair and being good to Trevor then I don't worry- because she is 3.5 yrs old and if she already understands what she did wrong and does well we we talk after wards then I just need a minute to cool my jets instead of worrying is she staying there... she better stay there)
"I hunkered down and started to let the oldest one, aged 3, what choices were "good" and which ones were "bad."
Needless to say, he was making more "bad" choices than good at the beginning. His fault? NO. But not acceptable. He started to kind of catch on and I praised him each time he made a "good" choice. But then came a set back day. It was horrendous. In the middle of all the craziness, he asked me with his innocent little eyes, "Mommy, why am I a bad boy?"
WOW. Was he a "bad" boy?! Heavens NO! Was he making "bad" choices? Yes. But it wasn't registering the way I wanted it to. And then I remembered something that I had learned at a stake conference a few years before. Teaching our children the CONSEQUENCES of their choices instead of focusing on the choices themselves. This is where happy and sad choices was born.
Each time my little 3 year old started to make a choice, I asked him how he would feel after he made it. I'd say something like, "Will you be happy if you take that toy from your brother?" or "How do you think you'll feel if you don't eat your food?" The change was unreal. I praised him for all the HAPPY choices he made. I made a happy/sad face for him to put on the fridge. If he made a sad choice, he had to switch the face around. It didn't happen that often!
Needless to say, he was making more "bad" choices than good at the beginning. His fault? NO. But not acceptable. He started to kind of catch on and I praised him each time he made a "good" choice. But then came a set back day. It was horrendous. In the middle of all the craziness, he asked me with his innocent little eyes, "Mommy, why am I a bad boy?"
WOW. Was he a "bad" boy?! Heavens NO! Was he making "bad" choices? Yes. But it wasn't registering the way I wanted it to. And then I remembered something that I had learned at a stake conference a few years before. Teaching our children the CONSEQUENCES of their choices instead of focusing on the choices themselves. This is where happy and sad choices was born.
Each time my little 3 year old started to make a choice, I asked him how he would feel after he made it. I'd say something like, "Will you be happy if you take that toy from your brother?" or "How do you think you'll feel if you don't eat your food?" The change was unreal. I praised him for all the HAPPY choices he made. I made a happy/sad face for him to put on the fridge. If he made a sad choice, he had to switch the face around. It didn't happen that often!
Bedtime battles-
As every parent knows, fights over bedtime can be one of the biggest
power struggles you’ll have with your child, whether they’re five or
fifteen. The truth is, many kids just don’t want to go to bed at night.
For most of them, I think it’s because they’re afraid they’re going to
miss something. With others, it might be because they’re frightened of
the dark, or afraid to go to sleep. And for some kids, they simply want
to be in control. Bedtime just becomes another arena in which kids will
try to fight with you. If you’ve ruled out fear of the dark, fear of
bedwetting, and fear of not waking up, that leaves us with oppositional
behavioral issues—the power struggle.
The
focus should be on your child learning how to manage himself through
meeting his responsibilities and not on your child learning to manage
you through power plays.
First of all, as in any power struggle, we don’t want to engage in a
fight if we can possibly avoid it. That means that if we implement a new
program, we may get a fight at first—and by the way, it might be a very
serious or forceful one. My advice is that you try not to personalize
it and instead, realize that this is a matter of your child meeting
their responsibilities. In other words, the focus should be on your
child learning how to manage himself through meeting his
responsibilities and not on your child learning to manage you through power plays.FOR YOUNGER CHILDREN
Realize that the problem-solving skills of younger kids are less evolved; they often have problems with impulsivity and frustration control. If going to bed is frustrating for them, it’s likely that their behavior is going to escalate into an unpleasant situation. So the first rule is, don’t make bedtime unpleasant. Make no mistake, I’m not saying make it pleasant by talking sweet or bribing them. I’m saying don’t make it unpleasant by looking for an argument. Don’t make it into a self-fulfilling prophecy and expect them to fight with you because that’s what they’ve done in the past.
